Suggested Guidelines for Dealing with Allegations

of Intimate Partner Violence in the Local Church

 

 

For clarity, the victim is referred to as “she” and the abuser/perpetrator is referred to as “he,” but ANYONE can be an abuser or victim.

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Give her the opportunity to talk with you without the abuser present. Listen to her concerns and do not investigate or ask for details. Believe her, tell her the abuse is not her fault, and ask if she would like to know what resources are available.

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Have a list of local shelters/resources available to share and offer to make the phone calls with her. 

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Do not advocate couples/marriage counseling. This is not effective when abuse is present and should not be recommended.

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Do not misquote Scripture to suggest that the responsibility of “fixing” the marriage, “providing her children with a father,” or “converting” her abuser or being a “Christian witness” rests on her.  Do not re-victimize her by alluding that she must have done something “to make him act that way” or that she must have done something for him to abuse her.

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Refrain from statements such as, “Just pray about it,” or “God will not give you more than you can bear.” You are Jesus’ representative and she came to you because she believes He has given you the care, concern and expertise to help her. His mission was to relieve the oppressed. As His representative, that is also your mission.​

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​She might decide that it is best for her to return to the abusive situation. Share with her your concerns for her safety and well-being. Never condemn her for her decision. Let her know that you respect her decision, and that you will be there to help if she needs you in the future. Help her to develop a safety plan in the event that she decides to leave the abusive situation. As a part of the safety plan, encourage her to secure the following: money, clothing, identification, legal papers, birth certificates, passports, credit/bank cards, bank statements, emergency numbers, and extra set of keys. Most of these items she can leave with a trusted friend or family member if she needs a quick escape. She should secure someone to help with emergency transportation. She should try and leave when the abuser is not at home. She should not communicate that she is planning to leave as this is the most dangerous time for a victim.

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​Remember, you do not have to have all the answers. Your responsibility is to listen and provide support through referrals.

 

Note: Church processes should never be considered a substitute for mandatory reports of abuse to governmental authorities or for facilitating access to mental health care professionals or safety resources. If someone is currently experiencing abuse or is in immediate danger, the priority should be their immediate safety and well-being rather than engaging internal church processes, which may not be able to respond immediately and are not designed to address safety issues or provide mental health assistance.

• Required or mandatory reports should be made to the appropriate governmental authority, such as law enforcement, the department of social services, or child protective services, whether the victim agrees or not, as required by law.

• Discretionary reports involving adults may be made with the victim’s consent.

• Other assistance, including referrals to mental health professionals, community domestic violence organizations, shelters, and other safety resources, should be provided based on the circumstances.

 

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